Peace

I woke up this morning feeling at peace with myself.. i dont know if it was the book i read or it was something me that saw the light... At 530 am i lay awake.. i thought to myself how come i feel so peaceful?.. and i realise that i even though i wont ever stop loving wabbit.. i know that i have let go of somethings..

letting go does not mean that i forget her and the past but I have let go of all the bitterness and saddness of that past relationship.. I have forgiven myself, knowing that i made mistakes but not everything is entirely my fault. I have given what i could than and i know could give more now.. I am in control of my own emotions.. Should she not want to speak with me in the future i am able to accept that and move on..

There will be times i will feel emotional and feel the longing for her company but that moment will past.. I will learn to accept that i cant change those feelings but to accept them as part of life.. to let these feelings make me sad for that moment and recognise that these feeling can only hurt me if i let them.. I will look back at the happy moments and i will rejoice that i had spent that short moment of my life with her...

U never know what will happen in the future.. i am hopeful and looking forward to it..

Male Subject after 2005

These were my stats back in 2005!! Damn i was only 77kgs!!!!

Name of male subject : William Lim
Sex : Male
Age : 25
Weight : 165 pounds / 77 kgs
Height : 5ft 11 / 1.78m
BMI : 24.3
2.4km time : 9.38 min
chest: still workin on it (lookin good hahahaha)
waist: still maintaining ok even after the weight gain
hips : (who cars abt the hips)
shoulders: very broad hahha its true ppl say one hahahahha

Fast forward to 31 Oct 2010:
WeightL 86 kgs
BMI: 26 plus (over weight for my height)
2.4km time: Dont even want to think about it hahaha i think i can only manage a silver timing.. hahahah
Chest: Bigger but no man boobs hahahaha
waist: hai.. an increase of 2 inches...

The weight gain was due to stress and inactive lifestyle due to reasons i shall not recollect..
but the good thing is that i have a plan.. and it has been in action for the last month or so.. the plan is to lower my BMI by reducing my Body fat.. I am to be a lean mean fighting machine (80kgs) by the end of the year.. and look my best for 2011!!!

I will be experiencing a whole world of pain in the coming months.. and i know i need it.. i need the pain..

Train yourself to let go of every thing you fear to lose

Yoda said that you have to train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose... I wonder how does one do that.. how does one train to let go.. in the past I would stop thinking and let the matter reside in some unknown corner of my mind.. however, recent events have come and open the flood gates and everything i have held behind came crashing down...

It is a wave of feelings i cant stop.. having hid these feelings over the last few years did not help.. i have not let go.. what is thy fear.. i do not know... but the feeling is an addiction.. the loss is a pain...

I ask my self how do i train myself to let go.. the answer could be to accept this feeling as it is and to just soak in it and let it pass... would that make me less of a human?

At this point of time.. I will do just that... i will be unfeeling.. i will not ponder of the IF and the past.. what has been done cannot be changed.. the future is all that i have.. and that no one shall make me ever feel this way again...

Last Night with Benjamin Button

Yesterday was wabbit's birthday (its been a long time since i called her that).. i didnt want to upset her by calling or sending any sms during the day to greet her.. So i wanted till just before midnite.. I thought it prob be better I was the last person to greet her..

While i was watching Benjamin Button before i texted her.. I was reminded of how life can be.. Daisy said "things never last forever"... and then when Benjamin told Daisy... "I never stopped loving you." Even though daisy moved on and got married... it's kinda sad.... and yet the aluring feeling of love..

I told myself last nite "You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went, you can curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.” I have to let go... it is difficult.. but i have to.. she has already done so.. but like what benjamin said... i never stopped loving you is true... I am such a foolish, emotional, sentimental fool.. i often wish i wasnt...

Yishun MRT, Seletar Dam, Tina Turner, SWimming and Hachiko

Many Random things today but a shared meaning to each..

I woke up this morning and had an hour swim under the hot blazing sun!! I wasnt thinking all that much while i swam.. just swam for the sake of getting tired.. I got back home.. listen to tina turner's classics.. Some of the songs that keep replaying in my player are What's love gotta do, When the heartache is over, missing you... All these songs convey how i currently feel....

Tina Turner, Queen of Rock, sure can convey how it feels like to be hurt by others.. hai... when she sang the song when the hearache is over, i know i wont be missing you, it's like she dont mean it but wishes it to happen... i got tired of thinking and listening to her songs and got myself to bed...

upon waking up i got my lazy ass to yishun to get some mid afternoon lunch and rented some dvd .. While i was waiting for the train.. i saw her.. i saw the girl i fell for when i was 18.. we were in the same class back than.. alot of things happen along the way... well to cut the story short.. she got married in Jan 2008.... seeing her wasnt all that bitter.. i was happy to see her happily married infact... there was no bitterness in talking to her.. she still had these sparkling eyes when our eyes met...I felt something in them but i could be wrong.. we took the same train but i got off earlier..

and i thought to myself.. y are there sooo many coincidences in life... how is it that i can bump into her when i am at my lowest... was it a sign?

when i got home i watched Richard Gere's Hachiko.. A loyal dog who waited for his master each day outside the train station till his master's unexpected death.. Hachi continued to wait each day for the next 9 years for his master. It was such a touching movie.. The loyality a dog has for his master.. I feel no other animal has that kind of loyality and undying love for its master... that's why i am a dog person..

After watching the movie.. i got up changed and took my bike for a spin.. i wasnt thinking much.. and i didnt know why i went to seletar dam.. when i got there... I sat facing Orchid Country Club Golf Course. I starting to think abt alot of things... how i have changed over the last 3 years.. how she (not the girl on the train) has changed..... and i told myself i should stop feeling like this.. i have to control my own emotions.. the person i use to love, isnt there anymore.. i have to stop... but can i stop... will i stop... its been soo long... yet why?

Sweet Sad Memories

Why is it that I can forget so many past events and memories? Why is it that I can remember the happy one that produces negative feelings? Why is it that I cant remember the faces and names of the guys from Leopard Company (Army) whom I spent 3 months with back in July - Sep 2001? How is that I can forget all the fun and tortures army training or even childhood memories and yet I can remember how the painful recollection of lost love? not that i comparing the both of them. I have no answers.

Maybe we are wired to be addicted to pain that love brings. Which is why people fall in love. We like the pain that love brings and the potential rewards it has. Love is like a coin. It works or it doesnt. It brings pain or it may bring happiness. Heck, over the years several people have told me this.. "William Why is think so much? Got Bf/GF can break? Married can divorced?".. I never thought of it all that much. And as i think back.. there is truth in their words. Love ant what it use to be. It ant like my grand parnets or parnets time. I look around and i hear and see countless cases of divorce cases. Its saddening.

back to memories...

They say recollection of love lost is bittersweet and that we should always treasure these memories. I have 2 of such memories. one was sweet and yet I dont feel as bitter when thinking back. The other was sweeter cause I held that person in my arms. That 2nd feeling seems like forever and it sure hurts as hell. Why does it have to end? Why did we have to fight? Why is it that ppl ask so much from each other when love shouldnt be demanding?
Why do i have to cling onto such memories when i can forget so many others? Why is it that i can forget her number just by visualising that picture? why is it that i cant forget that feeling?

When this was written in the bible:

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not selfseeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I think the Man up there who spoke to the person who wrote these, should have taken a closer look at us and know that we can only strive to achive this. We are imperfect and that we are easily swayed when in love. We do crazy things, like clinging on to the past.

4 years

Man... its been 4 years since I looked at my blog.. a lot has changed over the years. I experience a lot of up and downs.. i dont even know where to start... hai.... My thoughts are pretty scrambled right now because of what has conspire in the last couple of weeks.. i will eleborate more about it in later blog..

Why do i want to blog now after so many years? Well after reading my past entries, I realise that I have forgotten many events had has shaped my life.. Reading my blog reminds me of the memories that i had.. its a way of recollecting the past and the feelings felt than...

Some of my entries are starting to make sense now.. as i read them.. i felt that i am so different from what i was back 4 years ago.. alot has changed..

I am not the person I used to be.. and I feel that I lost the happy go lucky attitude I had back than...

5months has passed

It has been nearly five months since i last updated my blog... i should try to make more effort in updating my blog... there have been several events that has happened and i am gonna try to summerise them below:

DECEMBER
1) u all remember that i have been training for the standard chart half marathon rite ? will i manage to complete it in 2 hrs.. it was by far the toughest physical thing i have attempted.

2) during the month of december i bought myself 2 long shirts from top shop(really nice looking, wore them for a wedding and to clubbing)

cant recall wat else happened mmm ..

January
1) i had the house to myself for a month, coz my mom went back to the philipines to renovate her new house.

2) did a steam boat gathering at my place .. for onli the 2 of my friends... they stayed overnite and we watch eric khoo's movie on cable ...

3) chinese new was much same as any other year..
- however i did something different.. i went to ek key's (an aikidoka) condo which he was gonna rent out with tons of aikido friends
- after his place we went to mike's place (an aikidoka) with pui tin, armando, alex and his wife...
- saw his dog a szhezier (dont know the spelling) which i would love to have in the future... rel cool dog.. doesnt bark much and is quite active.. hahaha .. really would love to have a dog..
- after his place, me pui tin and armando went to newton circus to have dinner, i treated them to stingray and sambal kangkong... we had a great time chatting...

(rmks : oh yah did i mention, i was the youngest member of the group hahaha )

4) oh yah my birthday .. mmm wat did i do ... i think i went out with a few friends... can really remember wat happened...

Febuary
1) i got in touch with an old friend ...

2) got hurt (hurt so sweet)

3) train really hard for the NAtional biathlon ... was swimmming like 3 times a week .... working out real hard

4) slack big time in my studies and i am suffering now for it

March
1) i completed the the Singapore national Biathlon... in
swim 1.5km : 55min (i think i swam more then that coz i was straying away in the sea)
10km run : 1hr 5 min (legs were like lead when i got out of the water)

2) made new friends...

3) got my performance bonous

4) an additional 400 dollars from the government

5) oh yah income tax month.. gotta remember to declare a few stuff

6) got 3 essay to complete by mid april and i still haven got about in doing it

April
1) mmm i think i am going to my ever first blind date muahhhahahah i cant belive it ... me William going for a blind date ...

(there are more stuff that happened in past few months.. some i cant recall... some i am too embrass to talk abt)

lesson learnt...

I learn a very valuable lesson today from a friend of my whoose gonna ord end of this year....
I was tellin a problem of my to him and he commented: " William, u keep only thinking of the problem and its possible negative outcomes but ur not finding a way to solve it." and it struck me that i was doing just that... it is often very difficult for me to not think of a solution, i just keep thinkin of the problem at hand and simply worry my life away..

Instead i should seek to find a solution to solve my problems.. and thats a valuable lesson here that i want to share.. often it is very good to listen to the advice of your friends.. however at the end of the day it all comes down to wat u decide to do with your life problems....

Fever

I caught the flu yesterday the night before... and now i am on 2 days mc ... damn it... i am fustrated ... i have been training for 3 weeks now .. and now i have to start all over again.. to think that i am just starting to see improvment ...